And it did so by bringing television entertainment down to its most basic caveman-like qualities: Sun, sex and speed.
But what was it about the "CHiPs" formula of hour-long drama that really drew us in again and again? And what draws us back when we see this show in syndication or in such recent hoke as "CHiPs ’99?
Without further ado, TheGuyCode analyzes a classic episode of "CHiPs"
and offers several tips to create your very own "CHiPs" script
at home.
In tonight’s episode, webegin with ‘70s character actor Marvin Kaplan, who, we learn, is having problems with his boss. He waves his fist violently. He yells and screams. He makes sure his shirt comes untucked during the argument -- as shirts are want to do.
Kaplan is best known for his work as Henry the telephone repairman on TV's "Alice" and the hotel clerk in the movie "Midnight Madness." But on this episode of "CHiPs" we see the true depth of his talent, which is virtually none.
SCRIPT TIP: Try to cast someone who has been a character actor, someone who will have people scratching their heads as to this person’s last performance and saying "oh! that's what's his name from that old show, isn't it?". And make sure this actor has no outstanding talent that will compromise what you’re trying to do with the rest of the script.
Soon, Kaplan goes on his way, beginning the obligatory pre-opening-credit chase sequence. In and out he weaves his generic red pickup truck along the Ventura Highway, causing dozens of nondescript, monocolored cars to roll, swerve, upend, stop, jolt and every other type of highway verb imaginable.
SCRIPT TIP: A "CHiPs" episode is not a true episode unless it involves a pre-opening-credit chase sequence. Keeps the viewers interested. Tells them up front, "You will see cars crashing if you stay tuned for another hour."
From here we go straight into our "CHiPs" musical credit intro. (Bah, bah, bum-bum, baaah!!!) Enter the crazy wawa guitars, enter the crazy overdone synthesizers, enter the horns.
SCRIPT TIP: Always fade from chase to the intro song. Always fade from chase to the intro song. Always fade from chase to the intro song.
In a bonus "CHiPs" moment, we see one of the subplots develop during this chase after we return from commercial. The INS Channel 3 crew (International News Service? … we’re not told, so you make up the answer!) comes by in its red news van. The crew offers us one of the most grotesque caricatures of a news reporter in the history of modern television programming. These reporters have no qualms making up their own news when they arrive. They encourage Kaplan to pose as he runs up the obligatory embankment once his truck crashes into one too many cars and upends. Kaplan poses and then is encouraged by the reporter to jump from a highway overpass.
And L.A. 15, 7 Mary 3 and 4 — our heroes Ponch and John — are left to handle the situation themselves. Officer Baker, ever calm, chases Kaplan up the embankment while Ponch is left with the crowd control job, which involves keeping the INS crew at bay. A close-up of Ponch reveals his dislike of his role doing crowd control, especially the news crew, who are equally unhappy with Ponch.
SCRIPT TIP: Whenever possible, get a close-up of Ponch looking distraught and feeling neglected.
Soon enough we meet an annoying little kid, a character with the vanilla name of Chris Roberts. The kid, about 6 years old, has been hanging around town, encouraging officers that he is lost. His plan is to lure some handsome, young male officer back to the boy’s home, where his sultry, blond mother lives. She’s a recent divorcee still distraught over her husband’s departure for Saudi Arabia.
SCRIPT TIP: It’s perfectly OK to just throw in some plot twist like your husband is from "Saudi Arabia" without any further clarification. (So is he in oil? Likes to travel? Converting to Islam? You make the call!)
It’s not too long before Ponch and John arrive and John puts the moves on mommy. Here, we also learn the boy has received a motorized BMX bike from his dad before daddy’s sudden departure for the pressing business in the Middle East.
SCRIPT TIP: Each episode must contain children with one or a combination of the following: a skateboard, a go-kart, roller skates, BMX bikes, motorized BMX bikes, scooters.
Seconds later, John has asked mom out to a picnic where he can wine and dine her (literally as we’ll see) without having to worry about the mild inconvenience of the fact she has a kid. For this, John recruits Ponch, who "likes to take his bike out on weekends," to teach the kid how to ride.
At the picnic, which we see in the next sequence, the foursome has gone to a local park where we see other normal families picnicking with normal picnic food, including but not limited to peanut butter, juice and cookies. Cut to John and sultry single mom. These two are feasting on something that looks like venison and downing a bottle of wine.
SCRIPT TIP: John must have a lady. And she must be blond. And she must have long hair. And she must be tall. And she must either play volleyball at the apartment complex or have recently divorced her husband from Saudi Arabia.
Off in the distance, Ponch is teaching young Chris to ride and says he’s go
od enough to enter — and maybe win! — a professional competition.
SCRIPT TIP: Simply having an episode with children on skateboards, go-karts, roller skates, BMX bikes, motorized BMX bikes or scooters is not enough. There must also be a competition with these items as well.
Now we see young Chris in a contest, identified by the public address announcer as a late entry and the youngest in the group. As he moves around, we hear "CHiPs" music.
SCRIPT TIP: There must be "CHiPs" music for all race scenes. To accomplish this, take every synthesizer you have and turn it on its most robotic sound and hit every key at once. Then throw in a guitar with heavy wawa pedal action and the constant hits of a high-hat cymbal and you’re there!
Just as Chris appears to be in the lead, another young racer comes up from behind and knocks Chris off his bike! Chris is down on the ground. Quick director’s cut to the concerned faces of John, Ponch and mom watching from across the fence. John and Ponch hop the fence to attend to Chris. Mom simply walks around the opening 2 feet away.
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Chris is fine, not to worry. But he wants to punch the kid who knocked him down. Ponch will have none of it. "You can’t be my partner if you want to punch someone," he says defiantly. Chris appears to realize the error of his ways and says Ponch is right and they high-five.
SCRIPT TIP: Always, always, always, have some uber-corny moral subplot no matter where the script may lead you. It sends a message to the kids and parents that there’s more to your "CHiPs" episode than simple car crashes. This is a show that cares.
Well, when Chris returns home with mom, they turn on INS Channel 3. And your News 3 anchor is none other then a pre-"Who Wants to be a Millionaire" Regis Philbin in his brown tweed era. As Chris watches, Regis replays the story from the opening sequence involving the crazy out of control driver and the INS news crew.
But wait. What we see on the broadcast is not what we saw earlier in the hour. The crew has apparently doctored the tape to make it appear Ponch is hitting someone and saying nasty things. Seems the news reporter didn’t care for Ponch’s attitude back in the opening sequence.
Chris is confused. How come Ponch told him not to punch someone and yet here he is Ponch on TV appearing to do just that. In as much of a rage as a 6-year-old can muster, Chris goes outside and gets on his motorized bike — which he knows he’s not supposed to ride without a parent!
SCRIPT TIP: You need villains like the INS news reporter. And they can’t be real villains like people who kill or torture or maim. These villains must also be complete, utter losers.
Next we see Chris on his wild, angry journey about town and we overhear police scanner traffic talking about a lost 6-year-old boy, possibly heading for the flood drainage ditch. Oh no!
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L.A. 15, 7 Mary 3 and L.A. 15, 7 Mary 4 are urged to respond. They do, and soon they find the boy in the ditch, which appears to be the same ditch where the drag race sequence of "Grease" was filmed. It’s not long before Chris rides into the ditch, loses control and starts floating down the white water rapids that are Los Angeles flood control waters. Ponch dives in and after a dramatic sequence with lots of "CHiPs" music, Ponch becomes our hero, saving the boy.
SCRIPT TIP: Ponch is cool. He must be involved in a life-threatening sequence somewhere in the third quarter of the program. Put him on a truck that is on fire. Send him down rapids with a 6-year-old boy. Put him atop a tall building needing to jump below. Whatever you need, make him a hero.
Well, in comes our INS news crew, the ones who started this whole mess with their hack reporting job. "Hey kid, you want to be on TV?" our villain reporter asks.
"No, I don’t want to be on TV," says young Chris, pouting.
Then an argument begins about the broadcast from that morning. And lo and behold, the rest of the crew turns against the lead reporter after seeing what young Chris has just gone through. And the reporter admits he was wrong.
SCRIPT TIP: Make sure at least one of your villains has a heart. He will need to turn on the real villain. Otherwise, people won’t get caught and nothing will happen.
Ah, finally we see a new race where Chris is entered. Ponch is out coaching him and the camera cuts to John and the sultry young mother. "So," mommy says, "my ex-husband wrote me and he wants to get back together."
"That’s great," John says, "Chris needs a man around the house."
"I agree," she says.
"So, you’re going to get back with your ex-husband?" John asks.
And then, with a knowing look, she stares at him, smiles gently and says, "No."
WAKAWAKAWAKAWAKA...
That, my friends, is the final "CHiPs" music, big time, which occurs as the camera freezes on mom’s face.
SCRIPT TIP: Each ending must have the freeze sequence. Someone says something not really all that funny but it appears cooler with stop film and music.
Cut to John, laughing as he realizes that he may be the man that the mom wants around the house. Laugh, laugh, laugh — FREEZE!
SCRIPT TIP: John must never see this woman again. No need to explain how the relationship he forges each episode mysteriously disappears the next week. He must not see anyone more than once!
More laughter, more freezes, more music and roll credits.
And there you have it. You’re very own "CHiPs" episode.
Stay tuned for next week’s highlights.